Golden Shower and a Caffeine Delay

Not the way I really wanted to begin my day. But it is what it is. For the record, despite having kids I am one of those people that needs to ease into my morning. Ease into it verrrrrrry slooooooooowllllllly. Thank the good lord above I married someone who has the same morning needs. This is key for a successful marriage. Trust me, I have tried it with a morning person. UGH! The happiness! The AM joy! It took all of my strength not tell him to go fuck himself. Anyway, I digress. Where was I? Right. This morning. First I wake up to very poopy diaper. Which I proceeded to migrate onto my hands when I tried to clean it up. Now, I may not have gagged like other people (TODD!), but really, the thought of fecal matter on my hands first thing in the morning does not appeal to me. Call me crazy, but it just doesn't. After I finished wiping the aforementioned poo from my son's butt the diaper came unfurled. Now, as you all know, when a "Number 2" diaper (filled with "Number 2" wipes!) becomes unrolled it is no easy feat to re-roll it into the neat little hockey puck you began with. Especially with shit on your hands. Combine this with me: have not had so much as a drop of coffee and mentally functioning at a pre-school level. Therefore I gave up and just dumped the entire mess into the garbage can (no, not an inside garbage can. All Number 2's go into the garage. We are old skool here people. No Diaper Genie. Such rebels we are!)

Since my hands were tainted I just laid the unfolded diaper over Luke's necessary parts while I disposed of the hazardous waste. I can hear the collective sigh from all of the "boy-moms" out there. They know where this is going and at this point are probably wondering if I have not learned the boys-and-their-parts-being-exposed-to-fresh-air lesson. Yes, I did learn that lesson. Many times in fact. That is why I tried to cover the parts. It was only for a moment! Really! I just needed to throw out the diaper and wash the poo off of my hands. Unfortunately I am not talented enough to hold my poo hand in the air as I pin my son down and deftly change his diaper with one hand. I missed that class on parenting.

Just as I returned Luke pulled the diaper off, felt the cool morning air upon his goods, and doused himself, the Boppy, and the porta-crib in a golden shower. Since he was on his back he sprayed directly at his face. Poor kid had to squeeze his eyes shut and turn his head to avoid hitting himself in the eye. Might as well start setting aside money for the therapy that looms in his future. I can see it now:

Over Priced Therapist: "Can you tell me where your anger towards women and relationships stems from?"

Traumatized Luke: "Why yes. My mother missed the class on one-handed-diaper-changing and consequently almost blinded me with my own urine. It has all been down hill since then, Doc."

At this point I assessed the damage and, to be honest, it didn't look too bad. I began to think, "maybe I can clean this off with a wipe and wait until after I finish my coffee to give him a bath." But as gave his backside a once over (and contemplated the over-priced therapist's reaction to that little nugget of a childhood memory) I realized a bath was imminent. Although the front looked good, the pee had apparently shot over his head and ran down his back. Both head and shirt were soaked.

Let's review the first three minutes of my morning:

* I put my hands in shit

*My son showered himself in piss

*In addition to college I now have to start saving for my son's overpriced therapist because he almost blinded himself and it WAS ALL MY FAULT!

*My mental capacity is somewhere at a three year old level since I STILL HAVE NOT HAD ANY CAFFEINE!

*I now have to give Luke a bath because he is covered in his own bodily fluids.

All I have to say is thank God pee is sterile!