Maddie's Story

Yesterday while I was floating around the blogoshpere I popped onto Design Mom for a bit. For the duration of her pregnancy she has been posting readers' birthing stories. You can find them all here. I thought, "what the hell, I'll submit Maddie's birthing story." For those of you who don't know, my Maddie was not a planned pregnancy. I'm very open about it and despite the opinions of others, I feel there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Although she was a surprise (to say the least!), she was and is loved and cherished beyond measure. So here is my story:

My pregnancy happened by surprise. I was twenty-five, dating my boyfriend for a little over a year, and getting ready to finish my BA. The last thing I planned on was getting pregnant. But two little lines on a pregnancy test abruptly changed my life FOREVER. When I saw the results my heart sank, and I uttered “Oh my God…” All these thoughts came rushing at once: What do I do? My life is OVER! How do we tell our parents? We are not financially prepared for this! And then there was a thought. The thought. I could get an abortion. And yet, despite my liberal views I knew I couldn't’t do it. I knew abortion would be something I would regret my entire life. And I am so glad I chose her. Not a day goes by that I am not thankful for my daughter.
Unfortunately in the last four weeks of my pregnancy I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia. My doctor prescribed total bedrest and a scheduled induction at thirty-nine weeks. At that point I was so swollen, tired, and uncomfortable bed rest seemed like a three week spa vacation!
The night before my delivery her father and I could hardly sleep. All I could think was, “Tomorrow you will meet your baby! Tomorrow you are going to have an actual human come out of your body! Holy crap! Come. out. of. my. body. ACK!”
At 6AM, November 11th, 2002 I was induced. Some parts were good (hearing the gallop of her heart beat.) Some parts were not so good (the attempts to place a catheter between her head and my uterus before I got my epidural. YOWZA!) But then I got the news from my doctor, my baby was showing signs of distress. They would have to attempt the fetal catheter again to monitor her heart rate more closely. And just as they inserted the catheter it happened. Her heart rate dropped, and continued to drop. That heart beat that I found so soothing before was now bringing me to tears. It was so slow. That gallop had turned into trot. Alarms were buzzing, people rushing into my room, my doctor yanking wires out of monitors to transfer me into the operating room for an emergency c-section, and all I could do was sob and think, “I have come too far to lose my baby!” Her father stood there in shock as a nurse shoved a smock into his hands so he could join me in the OR. My mom, a nurse, tried to soothe me words of encouragement. My dad just burst into tears.
My doctor, God bless her, stayed calm through the entire ordeal. And after what seemed like forever my new daughter was pulled out from my stomach at 1:40PM. All I could think was, “Please let me hear her scream. Please let me hear her scream. If she screams it means she’s breathing.” And scream she did! The baby that was so distressed scored a ten on her APGAR. She was healthy; she was perfect. And she was a blessing. She may not have been planned, but my little Madeleine Kay was one of the best “things” to ever happen to me. For that I am thankful. Thankful for her and thankful I didn’t make a different choice.

To summarize the ending, her father and I split two years later. We weren't right for each other. Todd and I reunited a while later (we dated in high school. Makes for a great story when people ask how we met!.) Five years, one wedding, another baby, and two dogs later here we are. Maddie's father has also remarried. They are expecting their baby this fall. He and I share 50/50 custody. For me, I am blessed that Maddie was so young when Todd and I started dating. When it came time to introduce and integrate her into our relationship we took it slooooow. But all of her memories include him. In her eyes, Toddy has always been there. I love that. There was no awkward adjustment, no fears of losing Mama to a new man. We were fortunate.

I am open with this story because I want to show people unplanned pregnancies can and do have happy endings. With my pregnancy came unimaginable responsibility, but it also came with a love and a passion for another human being that I never knew existed.

And for the record, I am still a die-hard pro-choice advocate. Just because I didn't choose abortion doesn't mean I don't approve of a woman's right to choose. I feel fortunate that I had that choice available to me. It is not only a personal decision, it is also a choice based on timing and life circumstances. I had a job, I had medical insurance, I had the support of both of our families and our friends. Not everyone is so fortunate. My choice would have been dramatically different had I been an eighteen year old, unemployed college student.

Thanks for letting me share my story and my thoughts!

The Insanity of It All

This year it feels as though my life is like a runaway train of activity. We have so much going on that it is mind-boggling. I am taking four classes and my fifth begins tonight. Ugh! Seriously, what was I thinking?!?! Granted these are digital media and photography classes. Therefore they carry less academic weight. But that just means I have to take more classes to officially qualify as a part time student. It feels as if I am constantly juggling a variety of tasks. Schoolwork, housework, childcare, dog care, and, oh yeah...I think I have a husband in the mix of all that! Suffice to say, between my education and Maddie's I am eagerly anticipating summer vacation.

Speaking of the kids, they are doing great. Maddie just got her report card and scored some awesome grades. Such good news!! As a mom, few things make you feel as good as knowing your child is doing well in school, both academically and socially. She struggled for a while there, completing her classwork on time. But after a few changes in her diet and with our home routine, she is now working hard in class. This year Maddie told us she wanted to participate in the science fair. After some deliberation she chose volcanoes as the focus of her project. Together we built a volcano (lots of great links out there on the web!) and then studied the three different types of volcanoes. Last semester's Geology class came in very handy for this project. Nice to put my education to good use. It was a lot more work than I anticipated! I now know why people groan when they hear the words "science project"!
Lucas turned one a couple on months ago. He is such a charmer! Everywhere we go people just ooh and aah over him. He then seals the deal by flashing a smile and those darling dimples, and then they just melt. We like to say "it's a good thing he is so cute"; it compensates (somewhat) for how much trouble he gets into. He is into EVERYTHING! Constantly! The kid has a plethora of toys, but why play with them when there are so many forbidden objects around the house (ie. frames, books, magazines, the cable box, cabinets, remote controls). His walking is slowly progressing into running and his vocabulary is growing. Not surprising he has learned the word "no" already. And the temper... Hell hath no fury like Lucas when he can't have his way. The flailing. The arching. The screaming. Oh my! I shudder to think of what year two brings! Todd and I have an adults only vacation planned this fall with our good friends Ryan and Jamie. I think that may just be our saving grace this year :)! A little escape to Maui should do us some good. A week of drinking, relaxing, and drinking some more will be a welcome respite. I can't wait! Aaahhh....Hawaii....

We bought a new tent trailer last month. Todd really wanted it for our trip to Yellowstone. The thought of sleeping on the ground (on an air mattress, I can't rough it that much!) did not appeal to him. Therefore the tent trailer seemed to be a good option. Still rustic, yet we are off of the ground. Plus it will make future camping trips a lot easier. Now all we have to do is pack food and clothes. I can't wait to try it out!!!

A Third Party In My Bed

Todd I were super-excited to have our bed returned to normal after Lucas arrived. No more cumbersome preggo Buddha belly between us. No more sleeping with multiple pillows to support the aforementioned belly. Ahhh…bedtime harmony restored! Tilly would occasionally bunk with us at night. But she is tiny and gets down the moment she begins to feel warm.
At night we would hunker down in bed to watch TV, Todd, Tilly, and I. We tried to encourage Roman to join us but he would have none of it. We felt guilty about the snuggle-time he was missing out on. Yes, I know he is a dog and could probably give a damn. But the stabs of guilt coupled with his sad brown doggy eyes was more than we could bear. We tried lugging his unwilling, heavy body up onto our bed (which for the record is about four feet high) only to have him fight us every step of the way, fall to the floor, and scramble under the bed to curse his stupid pet humans.
Finally one night we got him into bed. We. Created. A. Monster. Now that he has experienced the joy that is a pillow-top mattress there is no removing him. A typhoon could hit our bed and he would not move. And personal space? No such thing for our velcro canine! His favorite spot is wedged between Todd and me.
Yes, I know, we did this to ourselves. And to be honest I really don’t mind. On nights when Todd is working late it is nice to have to “someone” to keep me warm. Yes he smells like dog and licks his butt, but the doggy snuggles more than make up for it.
Let’s face it this dog has a whipped!

Making the Cut

Lukey got his first haircut a couple of weeks ago. The kid was blessed with a great head of hair when he was born. Everyone tsk, tsked it would fall out, but that never happened. All he had was a bald patch from rubbing his head on the carseat. No infant balding for this kid. And then it grew. And. Grew. I knew it was getting long. As I poured water over his head in the bath it would cascade to his shoulders. Hmmm… maybe it’s time I thought. I certainly never wanted him to look Celine Dion’s kid! But then I would procrastinate. After all, he is just a baby. Until one day when Todd and I were shopping at Michael's. Lucas was in his stroller, looking all dapper wearing his “Little Brother” shirt. Todd waited (and silently cursed himself for coming along) while I meandered. Women approached him because who can resist a dad and his smiling baby? He beamed with pride until they told him “what a cute little girl” he had. The I got the look. The look that says, “Dude!!! Give the kid a haircut and call it a day! No one calls my SON a girl!”
Auntie Courtney did the honors. She is a hairdresser and a mom. Therefore she knows how to be fast and patient, yet able to cut in a straight line. To have Auntie Court do the first haircut made it a lot more meaningful as well. It is always fun to share these moments with someone special.
Lucas was a great “client”. He sat patiently in his booster seat and noshed on his puffs. No tears, no hysterics. It was so fun to watch. My little man getting his first big boy haircut. The little ham even posed for the “after” photo!

Can those bangs be any longer?!

The finished product:

I am a Gleek

It's what people are now calling avid fans of the Fox TV show, "Glee". I heart Glee! These days I find myself counting down to Wednesday just so I can watch it. This is a far cry from my college days. Several years ago I eagerly anticipated the drinking bargains at Riley's on Wednesday nights. Now I just get giddy over television. Sad but true.

Anyhoo, I just bought the Volume I soundtrack. Love, love, love it!!! I highly recommend to anyone who is a fan of the show. Even the kids enjoy it. I caught Luke bouncing and clapping along to track 1, "Don't Stop Believin'". So if you have $13 to burn and enjoy catchey music, pop into Target and grab a copy!

Catching Up

Wow! Two months have already passed since my last post. Damn, time really flies. Life has been a whirlwind since school began for both Maddie and me. First grade suits her well. We just had our first parent-teacher conference a week ago. She is meeting all of her benchmarks and has lots of friends. She is a bit of a dreamer though. Unfortunately this leads to several bits of unfinished work that can easily pile up. I get it though. It’s the artist in her. I have been known to be the same way. Only difference is she is soooo MUCH worse. But Mrs. Maher told us Maddie is very empathetic to the feelings of others, very kind, and is considerate. Honestly, I would rather she excel in empathy and be somewhat of a daydreaming lollygagger. You can’t teach empathy like you can the Three R’s. This is not to say we aren’t holding her accountable for her unfinished work. I requested the teacher add some of it added on to her homework. Maddie is not a fan of this solution, but then again that’s the point. Despite the lollygagging and daydreaming I am very proud of my sweet little girl. I love that she thinks of others. I can’t say you always find that quality in people these days….
A lot has happened since my last post. Luke has grown TONS! He is cruising everywhere. Nothing is sacred in our home these days. If it is within his reach it is fair game in his eyes. OY! Like his older sister, Luke is quite the social butterfly. He will readily flash those dimples to anyone who gives him an ounce of attention. He finally got his first haircut a week ago. It was getting ridiculously long (just ask Papa!) and everyone thought he was a girl (even when he wore his “Little Brother” shirt.) Now he looks like such a big boy. Luke is too smart for his own good. He seems to figure EVERYTHING out. He will watch you do something once and then he seems to pick it up. Keeps me on my toes that’s for sure!
Madeleine turned seven this month. SEVEN! Where does the time go?! She is such a good-natured little girl (most of the time…) often offering to share with her family. She is an amazing big sister. It still surprises how well she has adjusted to having a little brother. I think she loves having a real-live baby that she can pick up and tote around (no matter how much me protests.) Thursdays she looks forward to having dinner at Nana and Papa’s after Mom gets out of class. And the weekends bring overwhelming joy when she gets to spend the night at Grandma and Grandpa’s house.
I am taking two classes this semester because I am a glutton for punishment. It’s not like I didn’t already have my hands full in SAHM-dom. And my sanity? Do I really need to keep it? Although stressful it keeps my mind fresh. I think without it I might get a little mentally mushy. So I am taking courses to finish my BA and photography/visual communications courses. Sort of nice to get some “me” time.
Todd is busy working and helping me not go crazy. He is such a good dad/bonus-dad. He really steps up to the plate and does what it takes to give our children a good family oriented foundation. He and I manage to get some dates in here and there. Although we enjoy the rugrats it is great to spend time as a couple. Plus we love getting out and visiting friends. As a result, his days off are a complete whirlwind for us. Cleaning the house, visiting with friends and family, taking the kids places.
As you can see, I am finally settling into my role as a SAHM. Waking up to my son’s poopy mess has now become the norm for me. I still have not made it glamorous or easy (if anything I less glam now. ACK!) But I still keep trying and the adventures still keep coming my way.

Crawling, First Grade, College, and More Crawling...

I cannot believe how quickly time has passed since my last post. Lately it feels as if we are simply passengers on the Bullet Train of life, watching everything zip by. Maddie started first grade at the end of last month. My baby is in first grade! When she started kindergarten it was heart-wrenching. She had become a full-fledged kid, running down the hallway at school into the open arms of her teacher (whom we LOOOOOOVED!!!!) It was both sad and exciting to see her grow up. Fast forward to first grade and the excitement is palpable: my child is going to be in school ALL DAY LONG! The world is my oyster, I now have six hours to get stuff done! Ya-hoo!!! That excitement is dampened somewhat by the fact that I have a very busy seven-month-old who seems to be magnetically attracted to anything that is off-limits (consequently, once it is in his possession the item inevitably makes its way into his mouth.)

Now that Luke is crawling and getting into who knows what and Maddie's school load has quadrupled, I figured this was the perfect time to spread myself even thinner and try to wrap up that bachelor's degree I began eons ago. In my defense I took a break after my grandpa passed away, got pregnant, and then changed my major (as a result I had to do almost all of my upperdivision over.) Plus squeezing in college between Maddie and work was its own unique challenge. So here we are... I am taking a geology class online, geology lab, and a photo class for fun. And by-the-way, can I tell you how OLD I feel going to school with a bunch of baby-faced kids fresh out of high school? We were discussing the effects of earthquakes/plate tectonics in my geology lab when I looked around and had what Oprah calls an "a-ha moment". These kids were not even a zygote when we had had the last "big one" (Loma Prieda, 1989). UGH!!! At thirty-two I don't feel old, but to these kids I am. Their biggest worry is whether that cute boy in biology will text or MySpace them, meanwhile I'm at home trying to dust off my algebra skills (circa 1997) for a geology equation while simultaneously prying an electrical cord from my son's mouth. But with age comes wisdom and a confidence that I did not have my first time in college. And with that age and wisdom comes a, I guess you would call it, smugness. Life has taught me all kinds of lessons that they have yet to learn. I now know that while getting your heart broken may seem like the end of the world, it really isn't. Having children will teach you a love you never knew existed and that miracles really do exist. Being married is soooo much better than dating. Life won't wait for you, so make the most of it while you're here. While I do miss the carefree days of my youth, I certainly wouldn't trade it for what I have now.

Maddie-kins

Little Fish in Swimming Lessons

First Wednesday Street Fair After a Rare June Rain

Photoshoot in Tahoe

Enjoying Soft Serve at the County Fair

Puppy Love

I can't begin to express how much I love you Maddie-kins. You were my first. All of my Mommy adventures began with you. Thanks for teaching me how precious the title, Mama is.